Trusting God Even When It Hurts

What can I say? What can I do?
This is not how it was supposed to happen. This is not how I wanted my prayers to be answered.

I can’t see my -eyes are blurred with tears. I can’t talk- there is a lump in my throat.
My heart, emotions and mind are all twisted together. Please tell me I’m dreaming…

It was January 2013 when we first came to Uganda. While serving at an orphanage God brought a sibling set of five into our lives that lived at the orphanage.
Their mother abandoned them and there was no information about the father.
We were told the children would probably always grow up in an orphanage, because chances of finding a family who could care and provided for all five was almost impossible. Our hearts ached. All children deserve to have a mom and dad who love them and a family to call their own.

We went back to the states with the children on our hearts and minds. We prayed daily for God’s protection over them and kept in contact with the director of the orphanage. In September 2013 we moved to Uganda- the place God was calling us to serve Him.

One of the first things we did when arriving, was going to that same orphanage and visiting “our” children. What delight and tears of joy, to see and love on them again.

The mission we are part of is three hours from Kampala, the city were our children live. We always looked forward to our trips to town when we could spend time singing, playing, talking and snuggling with our little ones.

Our paper work was completed. Their room was ready and we started the waiting process …waiting for the day we would get a notice that the children could come “home”.

We get information. Information we don’t want to hear…there seems to be a problem. The probation officer finds out the children are refugees from Congo and she doesn’t know what to do. (We knew they were but didn’t think it was a big deal). We were then told that refugees can not be adopted internationally. So not even a Ugandan family could adopt them. They would have to find a Congolese family or the children would remain in an orphanage. So after a meeting between the head probation officer of Kampala and the head probation officer of Uganda, they couldn’t make up their mind and passed the case on to the prime minister.

We heard news that the mom was still in the picture. She said she wanted the children but only so she could get money for having them. She used to take them out on the streets and beg for money and food.

God laid on my heart to pray for her. To pray that someone would come into her life to be an encouragement. To teach her how to love and care for children (she had another baby in Sept and I was concerned). I was wanting to one day meet their birth mother just to show her Christ’s love and encourage her.

We received the news…the children were placed back with their mother and father. Yes, their father showed up from somewhere and is back with the mom. So now what? Are the children safe? Are they loved and being taken care of? I have so many mixed emotions I can’t even think…

When I put myself in their mother’s shoes it seems so right that they be back with her. I can’t imagine not having my children with me. I pray God gives her a change of heart and that she will be a good mother.

All of our memories with the children are racing through my mind. Walking up the steps to the orphanage and hearing little voices saying daddy and mommy. Little arms reaching up to get hugs and kisses and to be held. Singing songs…Jesus loves me, This is the day, My God is so big, Old mac Donald and many others -they loved to sing. I loved watching them climb on daddy and wear his hat or sun glasses. I loved hearing them say “mommy did you bring chocwhit “(chocolate) and then watching their eyes light up when they see a chocolate candy bar brought along for a special treat. I loved their clean little bodies after bath time. I love how they cared for each other. I loved praying together before bedtime and snuggling them before they would go to sleep. We just loved them!!

But God I don’t understand- We thought they would be ours. It seemed so right. It seemed so meant to be.

Then I hear a still small voice say “Do you trust me”? This verse came to my mind…”We know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to His purpose” – Romans 8:28

Yes, God I do trust you and and I will choose to be a clay pot, broken and used for your glory. I know you are putting the pieces of my life together to make a beautiful picture. I want you to get all the glory in every situation.I don’t understand and my heart aches but I will choose to trust and obey you!!

I don’t want t settle for less then God’s best even when in my eyes it looks like it is the best!! God is challenging me…
Thank you for your continued prayers for the safety of the children and their future.

“It is better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all” -Author Unknown